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Fast-food Judgementalists, how pitiful!
On a bright summer day, X, Y and Z got together.
X: Did you hear how the women in that city were abused? Tsk tsk tsk.
Y: Yes, I heard. Animals! They should be hanged to death.
Z: Yeah, it was so disturbing I did not sleep well last night.
On a warm spring evening, P and Q had a chat.
P: That man cheated on his wife.
Q: What an asshole! He cannot even cook a meal on his own. He always sides with his mom, never supported his wife.
P: I want to slap him for what he did to that poor wife of his.
On a dusky autumn noon, Q & A met.
Q: Do you know how many misogynists live in my own building?
A: Yeah, I know. There was one man who had the audacity to ask the woman to pick up diapers for the baby.
On a cold winter night, X, Y and Z pondered.
X: A friend’s friend was asking advice about her in-law issues.
Y: What issues?
X: Her in-laws beat her everyday, her husband is always at work and hardly supports her.
Z: Ask her to get out of the house immediately, file a police report and then file for a divorce.
X: Oh yeah, in 3 years of marriage she has not had the courage to do that. But when I say it now, she will.
Z: We need to empower women!
Y: Yes, we should do that.
X: Hey, there’s Dabaang on TV now, you wanna watch it?
If you are too quick to wrongly box people in categories without enough evidence then you perhaps are used to instant “fast-food” type judgements and there is a chance you may be a mental. Congratulations, you are a fast-food judgementalist.
As long as we are into definitions, here’s one
a man who hates women.
reflecting or inspired by a hatred of women: a misogynist attitude.
Now, coming back to the new-information-facebook-twitter age. Whatever happened to the good old conversation style? What we wouldn’t dream of doing or saying to someone on their face, we are reckless enough to write in our public journals nowadays? What is our excuse other than the fact that we can?
I have been a follower of IHM blog and have mostly respected the content, the injustices and atrocities discussed in the blog. Well, not all the time. Like, now. I find myself having to voice against a majority very well knowing that my comments may not be absorbed the way it is intended.
Here’s a funny example.
Case 1: There was a post or comment on how women are being stared at and how that makes women uncomfortable. A man responded with a “What’s the big deal, can’t you ignore it?”. Clearly, a wrong response. Not malicious, but one that stems from ignorance and lack of experience. The women’s perspective here: As men you haven’t experienced these things, you haven’t been stared at the way we have, you have no clue. So shut up and leave it to us women.
Case 2: I am stating in my comment how women are better suited than men in understanding things like staring, grabbing, rape etc and have the potential to do a better job in educating their own kids/daughters. You would think that this response is greatly appreciated. Sadly, no. The women’s perspective here: How dare you say that only women can talk about these issues? What about the sensitive men in my life? My brother, husband, father? Do you have any idea how much they can lecture about these issues?
There is an easier way to deal with this. Just state that it is an all-women’s venting club that welcomes no man’s opinion that even marginally disagrees with the women’s perspectives. If not, please tell me you see a huge gap, the size of a Grand canyon here. For the sake of goodness, what is your stance? Either men are ignorant and inexperienced, hence incapable of empathizing with sensitive women’s issues or they are not. Which is it?
I am going to be traveling in loops for a while, so stay with me. Facebook!
Do I believe everything that I see on FB? Is it good to have that social interaction? How many people in my friend list are really my friends? How many people can I count on during an emergency? I had been pondering these questions first before being super active on FB, experimenting a little with my posts, moving on to being inactive and finally deactivating my account. All part of my personal experiments because I am trying to figure out what works best for me. I may reactivate my account or I may not. But I came across a man, Ronny Edry, who used this tool ridden with gossip and meaningless chatter towards making a change. (If you’re too hooked on to my post and don’t want to go away from this page even to google him, I understand. Here’s his TED talk.)
When such possibilities exist, why do we choose instead to randomly attack someone? There is no evidence from this post and especially the follow-up post that this person is a woman-hater. If anything, the mention of his conversation with his wife clarifies his intention.
No dialogue? No back and forths? No questions? Just quick judgement and name-calling? Don’t we want to understand a fellow blogger better? Or for the sake of women’s issues, don’t we want men to better understand how women really feel? Or do we just want to attack aimlessly at all men because of some men?
“But men in FB are finding this funny and ridiculing women, What about men that are trying to restrict women?”, you ask.
I say, “Go find them and talk sense. Better laugh at them for their ignorance. Don’t thrash randomly”
I can’t decide which is sadder. The post being considered funny or the fact that the post in fact depicts the sad plight of society today or the fact that no one acknowledges the reality.
If you will indulge for a minute here, is it safe to assume that there is a huge number of working couples in Bangalore? Is it safe to assume that a huge number of those working couples are parents? Is it safe to assume that a huge number of these parents leave their kid at daycare? Yes, yes and yes.
In this huge number of working parents that leave the kid at day care, is it reasonable to assume we can find at least one couple that is too busy with work that they have no time for their child? My answer would be not just one, many. But let’s just mark the answer as yes. In this huge number of working, day-care dependent parents with at least one uncaring set of parents, would you say the ratio of moms picking up the kids to dads is more than one (as in more moms pick the kids up than dads)? My guess would be yes.
What then exactly is the problem with the story? That it accuses moms of picking up the kids instead of dads? Hello, crazy people. That is the reality. More moms pick their kids up from day care for various reasons: they miss their kid, they may be paid less and flexible at work, they may be paid more and still choose to pick the kid, the dad is more busy etc etc. There may be days where dads fill in when needed but this is the reality.
“That woman fell down on the ground.”
“How dare you say the woman fell? What about the man standing next to her?”
Yes, this is as ridiculous as accusing gravity.
Jokes circulate everywhere. Blog posts are written everyday. People are ridiculed every hour – men, women, children. Wars are fought every minute. Blood sheds happen every second. Smart thing here is to choose your battles. Don’t hang on to every word of everything. Every thing is not about everything.
There was a popular joke that was going around once:
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. “Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.” “Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives. “For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.” Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient’s daughter asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?” “A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team. “Women’s brains have to be marked down because they are used.”
If you were able to laugh at that joke, it is unwarranted on your part to spew hatred on the blogger randomly. You could very well be a misandrist. If you were not able to laugh at that joke, even unintentionally, something is wrong with you. I pity you? What more can I say?
If you have made it this far in this mysterious land of misogyny and misandry, may be you wouldn’t mind traveling further to find out what awaits in your destiny. Mortal soul, travel on, but tread carefully for there are so many hateful conclusions, hasty implications and foggy brain activity ahead that will make you wish for a genderless land of the future (Clearly, I’ve been watching too many episodes of Merlin).
What follows is a judgement. I am judging certain people based on the values and beliefs I have formed over the course of past one year. I am calling them out. I am saying what they are doing is messed up. I am saying I have very little respect for such people. It is my personal judgement. You are free to apply that to your own life and wonder or ignore.
I am discounting for this discussion the parents that are in a first world country where there are some of the best day care facilities. I am also not passing judgements on the following categories:
- If you are a mother that works along side the father or alone to make ends meet (I have the utmost respect for you, your courage and resilience) – Minimum wager, call center employee, house maids etc for instance.
- If you are the grown up child of working parents of the previous generation (I have very little information to make a judgement here, so this subset is not included in my arguments).
- If you are a working woman with no kids (Your world does not coincide with mine, so I don’t have any judgements)
- If you are an extremely skilled woman that is changing the lives around you, making life better for the society, saving people etc (Again, I have the utmost respect for you and hey, can I get an interview?) – Social activists, teachers, physicians etc.
- If you have a great support system for your kid while you are away at work (As long as the kids learn the essentials, who am I to judge?)
Just so we are clear on this, in #4, I am not talking about any social worker or random activist or all teachers. I am talking about the likes of Sunitha, Wangari and Jane. I am also not talking about IT jobs. Jobs that thrive on sub-par practices and mind numbing policies only to serve the corporate greed of an overseas company. THAT is not changing lives, in case you didn’t know. I have been on that side and I am not fooled by “This is the most fulfilling job” speech even for a microsecond. Either you are an ignoramus in denial or you don’t want to admit it. Or perhaps you are just greedy.
There is nothing more funnier to me than being called a misogynist by bloggers that are discussing pumping breast milk and how even fathers can feed the child just to drive the point that dads can also do what moms do. DUH! You invent a machine and give instructions to take milk out of the fridge, heat it and feed the baby, that’s possible. Anything’s possible. But that’s not the question. What is needed here? What is required? Mom’s sick and away at the hospital or the family cannot survive unless the mom works – valid cases. Otherwise, why on earth would you go buy yourself organic milk, instead promote frozen milk for the baby?
Dads should help out in chores. Dads should play with their kids. Dads should teach their kids. Dads should treat moms well. Raising kids is the parents’ responsibility. Not just mom’s or dad’s but both. A woman’s life doesn’t end when she gets married or has kids. A woman has all the right to chase her dream as much as a man does. It is the woman’s choice to work or stay at home after having kids. It is also a woman’s choice whether to have any kids at all.
Agreed. No debate here.
[Hint: Anytime you have the urge to say “What about men?” or “What about dads?”, please add the word dad or men to the relevant sentence next to the words moms or women. That’s what I intended.]
Fact: There are vile men in this world that neglect their duties as much as there are vile women that do.
Opinion: Just because there is a vile man, it is not right when the woman says “I am going to be vile. Why, he gets to be that way, why can’t I?” Grow up, will you? The reverse applies too in case you are waiting to pounce. When my son does something wrong in any situation I make it an exercise for him and me to find out what he did wrong to contribute to that wrongness even when there are other people that might have done wrong. It is important for me that he first figures out what he did wrong before finding the overall wrongness. The same applies to issues in society as well. As a woman, because I know my gender better, I am harder on women in general and myself. It is very important to list out what women are doing wrong in this society before entering the boxing ring against men.
Fact: Having a baby changes women. Men – may be, may be not.
Opinion: Stop bullshitting about how things don’t have to change. Physical changes, mental changes, emotional changes – they’re all part of pregnancy and the aftermath. Postpartum depression as well. Workplace is an avenue to socialize with little to no effort. Company of others, being away from the baby eases that pain. With more effort for a socially adept woman, the same is possible at home. But you are not working because of that. You are most likely working because the society has been telling you that you are worthless unless you work. That SAHMs are inferior to men that work. You have given in to that belief and want to prove that you are in fact worthy.
Fact: Kids’ don’t need a doctorate mom to grow up with values, they need a kind and compassionate mom and their time.
Opinion: I am not asking you to burn your certificates here. I am not asking you to quit your job right away. I am saying even the illiterate mom can be the best mom in the world. Kindness is what matters. If you have the time to be foolish with your kids, play about, goof around and enjoy while working outside, you are the luckiest mom in the world. Go for it. But reality is that women are stuck in square jobs at the expense of their kids and believe that is what is needed for them to be empowered.
I am not here to try and convert all working moms to SAHMs. I don’t have an agenda. I’m trying to bust myths, spot ramblers just so the focus is maintained and point out the delusions (successfully or not, I don’t know).
Here are a few examples:
- I am very fulfilled working in an IT job.
- I want my kid to learn through me that it is possible to chase your dreams.
- What about gay couples? Are you saying they cannot be good parents?
- Sowmya clearly thinks “blah bla bla bla bloo…”
- What happens to SAHMs when they are divorced or widowed?
- What about the man? Why the discrimination and focus only on women? Why is the kid choosing to forget only the mom’s face?
So much more…
IT job is anything but fulfilling. It is where creativity dies a painful death. It sure is a way to make money though. If you are really chasing your childhood dream of say, becoming a great teacher or building a business and doing it successfully, hats off. If not, IT job is NOT a dream. Sorry, but it’s true.
Gay couples, seriously? What is wrong with you? Is that even a point of discussion here? I feel like a politician that gets sucked into these droning issues. What is the relevance here?
If you know clearly how I think, wow, do I have a clone out there? But wait, this clone is spewing nonsense, nothing close to what I’m suggesting. So clearly, you DON’T know how I think. You clearly think that you know clearly what I think :). As in zilch.
Divorced women, widows etc. I didn’t know we were discussing them here. But I will indulge myself here. Again taking this IT example (Clearly, I have something against IT, don’t I?;-)), here I was thinking that both mom and dad are after money. Sheep-mentality of buying a house, owning the latest car, new gadgets etc while leaving the kid at daycare. How wrong of me? The mom and dad are in fact thinking about divorce in future and the man dying (metaphorically which he already might be, given that he works for an IT company. Clearly, I have something against IT, don’t I?;-))
This question is seriously hilarious. “What about the kid forgetting the dad’s face?”
Hello again crazy people! In case you didn’t notice, the dad is lousy. The dad doesn’t pick up the mom’s call. The dad sends an SMS message. He hasn’t seen his kid for two days either, may be even longer. The dad is not picking up the kid, the mom is. Isn’t it obvious that the kid will not remember the dad’s face? You need an announcement in a golden platter with trumpets and drums reinstating that?
Oh by the way, given that the writer of the post says the mom is there to pick up the kid, why aren’t all the fast-food judgementalists taking it as a good thing about the mom? The mom is there to pick up the kid (granted it’s after 2 days), the dad isn’t. So isn’t the mom better than the dad? Isn’t the mom more responsible than the dad? Reverse the situation where mom is busy in a meeting, dad is there to pick up the kid and the kid cannot remember dad’s face. The issue still stands. This is a lousy family with priorities messed up. My statements are still valid.
Oh wait, I’m sure you can still find fault there saying “How dare you suggest that women are all ignoring husband’s calls, neglecting the kid and working instead? Are you saying working women cannot be good moms?” It is possible many commenters would do that as well. You can find fault with anything if you want to. It’s a great time-pass, you know. Self-fulfilling prophecies!
When I say “The problem here is not just the mom, not just the dad. It is the attitude. Once you have a baby you need to give up certain things, even if it is for a short while”, you reply (and I’m paraphrasing) “What the hell? How can you ask me to not work, give up my career for 15, 16 years?”
Where did 15, 16 come from? Definitely, not me. I am not responsible for your short-sightedness or ghosts that rattle in your mind. In fact you are lying when you deny having to give up. All parents give up so many things the moment they become a parent, this is the universal truth. Arguing that is plain idiotic.
It is not my responsibility that you choose to project one of my statements and form your own conclusions and worse of all, assume that is what I said. Curb the insecurities, lower your defenses and try to analyze what I am really saying and whether it applies to you or not.
Here’s the deal:
Does your kid greet even the watchman in your building the same way as she greets her teacher? Boy or girl, is your kid taught to pitch in with the housework? Is your kid taught to thank the person that is helping out? Is your kid compassionate? Can your kid respect both genders in the family equally? Are you trying these things among your busy schedule be it at home or work? If the answer is yes, then my response shouldn’t bother you. If not, it is my intention to judge you.
A kid that laughs at another’s misery or hits other kids to get his way is NOT taught well. It is not the kids’ fault. It is the responsibility of the parents. This is similar to you throwing garbage everywhere when I strive hard to create a clean surrounding. You are polluting my environment.
Given that situation and the fact that you are working for an IT company (or substitute any similar job) when you can very well do without it but choose to chase money out of greed, I am openly judging you and saying your priorities are messed up. One commenter asked “What is wrong with women working just for the sake of money?” Everything. Especially when you have enough of it. That’s precisely what’s wrong with the world now.
As a woman and a mom, I can better relate to you and I am going to tell you woman-to-woman, honestly, to quit that job and take care of your kid and teach him/her good values if you are not passionate about what you are doing (Most IT people are not. Clearly, I have something against IT, don’t I? ;-)). I am not going to tell your husband to do that. That is your job, you figure out what needs to be done. I don’t care which one of you quits the job to spend time with the kid. I only care about how kids are growing up in this fast-food judgementalist society, preferably as the non fast-food generation.
I see more working women around me that have no time for things that matter than the ones that do. If there is a cloud where things are better, good for you. From where I stand I am not able to see the cloud.
P.S: Even if you do not agree with everything I’ve written, do yourself a favor and ask the blogger a simple question, “Hey, do you hate women? I’m just wondering.”
Not just this blogger but any article you find in future and anytime you have this urge to jump at someone’s throat instead of being curious about what/why things went wrong, what could be the intention of the person etc. It would save everyone so much time and energy.