Toddler for sale


“There never was a child so lovely but that his mother was glad to get him to sleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are times when I’m extremely in love with the way my toddler behaves, completely content & amazed at how quickly the day passed by. But those days are few and far between nowadays. Most days I feel like screaming on top of my lungs while pulling out my hair or crying in agony while falling in a deep hole of binging and desperation.

Those are the days where I have an undying urge to put my toddler up for an auction or sale and use the proceeds to go on a trip to Spain. (Who am I kidding, I’d be lucky if I end up with enough money to even get a post card with ‘Spain’ written on it. May be I’d have to spend money to get people to buy, but that’s another story). In any case, I want to have contents for the flyer ready so when the day comes I don’t miss out for the sole reason of being unprepared. 😉

Toddler for sale. Please contact baldladywithnoteeth@mommyhood.com

Qualifications:

  1. Must know Karate or similar martial art to be able to defend yourself.
  2. Must be extremely dumb in order to give company & play the same games & watch same videos at least 50 times a day.
  3. Must be patient & calm like a dead person to keep up with pranks & feed him meals/snacks at least 5 times a day.
  4. Must not have any short term aspirations of your own and be prepared to submit, relinquish all control & wail incessantly at least 3 times a day.
  5. Must have acting skills to pretend to know everything about parenting only to have them shattered at the end of the day every day.
  6. Prefer experience in weather industry, rescue missions or fire department in order to be prepared when things change rapidly & get dangerous. Tsunami, 9/11 survivors & such will be given priority.
  7. Must be a converted atheist (or be prepared to be converted to one) because you have to believe that such torment & evil couldn’t exist in a God created world and since they do exist, there is no God.
  8. Must possess super powers to be able to juggle multiple requests while doing chores, looking out for dangers & providing quality care, nutritious diet, opera style entertainment and education disguised as fun.
  9. Must not have the inclination to connect with, contact or converse with any other human being little or small. If by any miracle you still find someone to talk, you must have the skill to have 5 second conversations followed by 1 minute interruptions & still keep a happy un-annoyed, un-pissed off calm face.
  10. Must be ultra-crazy-asylum-joining kind of person to forget all points above and give up your life for a small kiss & hug at the end of the day only to do it all over again the next day.

 

Anyone out there to take me up on my offer?

“Insanity is hereditary, you can get it from your children.” – Sam Levinson

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3 thoughts on “Toddler for sale

  1. Lovely. Just put my toddler to sleep after a crazy day with her.I blog hopped from IHM’s blog.Again, lovely post. Thank you for writing this.Until now, I thought I was going mad.Now I know, I am not alone :).

  2. Thanks aarti. Just so you know, it gets better. But I have big kid problems now. Like “Mom, you said violence is bad, but why are you killing ants and spiders?” Or sometimes tantrums like “I want to fly like the air bender”. Or the dreaded question of “Why does B have a baby to play at home but I don’t?”. One thing for sure – It’s the most fun I’ve ever had since I’ve been a kindergartener 🙂

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