Ticking clock


“You do not know the clock ticking unless you are aware that a clock exists”

I cannot say I was wise. I cannot say I will be wise. What I can say is that I am trying my best to be wise right now. That’s what matters.

I don’t think I was very happy. I don’t know if I will be very happy. What I know is that I have the choice to be happy right now. That’s what counts.

I know I was not much of a success. I know not if I will be much of a success. What I can ensure is that I have the ability to work for success right now. That’s what sparks.

Having a baby changed me in ways I never thought possible, especially after moving to India. Being a full time mom is hard. Being a full time mom to an over-active, picky-eating, under-weight toddler is harder. Being a full time mom to a demanding toddler with no like-minded people around to share thoughts with is even more harder.

Living far away from the city with no leeway for pursuing hobbies and always interacting with a clingy 2 year old is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life so far.

The icing in the cake is that I feel lost. I remember idling time away reading worthless fictions, doodling cartoons and whiling away hours in front of the boob tube. And now, think of the worst time for the universe to hit me with a life crisis. Sometimes I find this misery soothing, but most of the time I feel an odd pain in my head throbbing its way down to the chest yelling “how do i ever figure out what i want to do in life and how to do it?”. The question makes me want to puke all the ginormous amount of food I’ve eaten in all the binge episodes making me want to consider bulimia instead.

I’ve known my problem with food from a young age, but it wasn’t much of a problem because I could keep it in check. But the child birth threw all my hormones out of whack. That coupled with being in a dark hell-hole of a place makes some chemicals take over my brain. Everything except the part where my brain instructs me to eat has shut down temporarily. Or so it feels.

Yes.

2 year old toddler. Check.

Eating disorder. Check.

Life crisis. Check.

Many nights (and days) as I contemplate the next step in life, I grow restless just sitting there comforting my toddler who probably just had a nightmare & needed his mom. I tell myself that these precious days are the never-to-return kind & that I’d regret and long for them when my son’s outgrown the dependent phase. Despite the logic, my brain focuses on the myriad ideas that pop-up in my head, the zillion things I have undone and the gazillion things I could possibly be doing that very minute.

Moments like this in the day where I can write give me some comfort. While the words keep me company, my brain is in a constant anxiety mode wondering and dreading if my son will wake up half way pressing the pause button to my peep-show into the non-baby world (And yes, he did). During the times he doesn’t wake up, I find myself stressing over his wake up time, ultimately not being able to finish the task at hand.

Oh the joys of motherhood!

The only solace I get is not from fellow moms or other women around my neighborhood. Not even the acquaintances or groups I associate myself with. The only person that can possibly come close to understanding what I go through is the person that signed up for this journey with me. My partner & soul mate, my husband.

Like all men, he doesn’t understand his wife completely and is taken aback when an unexpected tear shows itself making him wonder what he could have possibly done or said . But I have to give him credit for one of the important things I learned from him – Taking Control. Of life. Of family. Of myself. Knowing that any problem however hard has some solution & digging my abilities to work towards the next step ahead. I know this now better than any other time. Especially after the baby.

How does this help me? I can now watch the ticking clock & instead of just panicking I try to accept the situation (the keyword here is try), hum my favorite tune and dream of the adventurous things I can do one day. Some day.

Not to say that I’ve perfected it. I’m a work in progress.

Tick tock. tick tock, tick tock!

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7 thoughts on “Ticking clock

  1. sowmya, there may be many people around you trying to reach out and not knowing that there are like-minded people around. may be you should try and find them. you may, even in remote parts of the world.

  2. Thanks bee. I will. It is definitely well worth the effort to reach out for people that I can connect with, but sometimes the worn out brain just wants to sleep. Besides being in India (along with being forward thinking & an atheist) doesn’t help much.

    I hope I can find the right topics & time to blog, that seems to be the best way to reach people.

    Fitness, food or photography – your blog inspires me in many ways, so do keep them coming.

  3. So many people have been in your shoes, are in your shoes and will be in your shoes. Once you come out of this you will for sure know you had to be here to get to where you will be- more wise and a better understanding of life. In the meanwhile all the answers are within you and you will come upon them whe you are ready. wishing you the best.

  4. Thanks sandy. That’s so true.
    One of the reasons I write is that it makes me much wiser (than when I don’t). Giving life to words and see them speak back is definitely an eye-opener for me.

  5. my earlier response might have sounded cryptic. when someone has questions it helps first to give a practical suggessstion that will work in the here and now .
    So let me take the aspect of your child being a picky eater which you mention[ if that problem is solved you would have one less thing to think and worry about right?]
    so here goes from the pickiest eater of all time-I was always terrified that I would have the worst children as I was often cursed so by my family! [hope you suffer with your children like you are making us suffer right now!!]
    As an adult I understood why I had an eating problem.so when I had children I said to myself- do the opposite of your experience and maybe it will work. so I let my child lead me instead of making my child do my wish.If my child did not want to eat the food but play with it I let her and happily cleaned up the table walls etc. if she didn’t want to eat I deffered her meals to a later time even if it was an odd time in the day, but when i gave her the food i made sure it was fresh and hot and therefore a better chance she would partake it[ did not get into an ego battle with my child by giving her cold leftovers, like I was] in the meantime i did not use any manipulative tactics to get her to eat her food. it was all fun and games and love and cuddling because I was going to trust the fact that she will be hungry as that is a natural and she will want to eat.
    I only had to do this for two weeks when she was around 1. She has been eating on her own and eats everything and I have never had a problem. I am happy to say this is not a fluke I tried the same thing with my second child- same results.
    It was easier for me to do this because I was the only person in the household without interfering relatives who would have definitely not approved of letting a child go without food [even if there was always milk to fall back on when hungry]
    So put a plate of food in front of your child, start with things that he likes let him play, eat at his own pace, if she dosen’t don’t let your frustration show just pick him up and do something fun so the child does not associate rejection of food with your dissappointment, resentment frustration. in fact be extra chirpy . take the pressure of the child [ the same pressure we feel when someone is watching over our shoulder]
    a new paradigm will be set up for your child – Hey eating times are not unplesant anymore, maybe I’ll give it a chance, hey playing with food is fun and no one is mad at me, hey the little I got into my mouth was tasty and mom seems so happy even when I ate just a little…..and maybe your child will solve the problem himself. good luck

  6. Good to know you have mastered the art of feeding your kids.

    My son has been eating on his own since 7.5 months when he first sat on his high chair. He wouldn’t have it any other way (and I know where that comes from-my husband & I value independence & individuality).

    My son being a picky eater is just one of the problems I have, more so during times of illness like fever, cough and cold. It would be extremely ignorant of me to expect a kid to eat four square meals a day when his throat hurts (& I guess the post was written on one such day).

    My son does have his own choices & is offered variety snacks, but I couldn’t do what you did & let him decide if he wants to eat. For the most part, what he likes is mostly empty calories with a few exceptions. He can go up to two days without eating. I couldn’t let him go without eating even for a single meal because of his underweight. That’s not to say he is being forced, manipulated and tortured in to eating spinach, broccoli and eggs every day. I do use cajoling and bribing methods & I honestly don’t think it is a simple yes or no answer. We all do what works best for us. To each her own.

    The point here being that my son is not “the” problem. Some days I feel I have a lot more grip on my life path, then I’m at peace & enjoy even the mundane of activities. It’s the bad days that cause grief. The goal is to figure out what I want in life 🙂

    P.S: Thanks for sharing and please do leave your blog address so I can keep in touch with what barriers you break with your little ones.

  7. So glad to hear it was an one off thing, b’cos among Indian families there are so many difficult eaters. I was force fed till I was 8! and mine have been problem free eaters since they they were one, much to the surprise of all my relatives[ the ones that wanted me to suffer!]. Now my nephews [2-4 years of age] have a battallion of relatives and maids running behind them much to my amusement. Their parents having watched me, swore they’d follow suit,but when it came to it could not follow through!!! It is so tough to instill a regular bed time [ I failed that one] and get kids to be eat by themselves.
    My kids are in their teens now and it is more relaxed parenting now.

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