“You do not know the clock ticking unless you are aware that a clock exists”
I cannot say I was wise. I cannot say I will be wise. What I can say is that I am trying my best to be wise right now. That’s what matters.
I don’t think I was very happy. I don’t know if I will be very happy. What I know is that I have the choice to be happy right now. That’s what counts.
I know I was not much of a success. I know not if I will be much of a success. What I can ensure is that I have the ability to work for success right now. That’s what sparks.
Having a baby changed me in ways I never thought possible, especially after moving to India. Being a full time mom is hard. Being a full time mom to an over-active, picky-eating, under-weight toddler is harder. Being a full time mom to a demanding toddler with no like-minded people around to share thoughts with is even more harder.
Living far away from the city with no leeway for pursuing hobbies and always interacting with a clingy 2 year old is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life so far.
The icing in the cake is that I feel lost. I remember idling time away reading worthless fictions, doodling cartoons and whiling away hours in front of the boob tube. And now, think of the worst time for the universe to hit me with a life crisis. Sometimes I find this misery soothing, but most of the time I feel an odd pain in my head throbbing its way down to the chest yelling “how do i ever figure out what i want to do in life and how to do it?”. The question makes me want to puke all the ginormous amount of food I’ve eaten in all the binge episodes making me want to consider bulimia instead.
I’ve known my problem with food from a young age, but it wasn’t much of a problem because I could keep it in check. But the child birth threw all my hormones out of whack. That coupled with being in a dark hell-hole of a place makes some chemicals take over my brain. Everything except the part where my brain instructs me to eat has shut down temporarily. Or so it feels.
2 year old toddler. Check.
Eating disorder. Check.
Life crisis. Check.
Many nights (and days) as I contemplate the next step in life, I grow restless just sitting there comforting my toddler who probably just had a nightmare & needed his mom. I tell myself that these precious days are the never-to-return kind & that I’d regret and long for them when my son’s outgrown the dependent phase. Despite the logic, my brain focuses on the myriad ideas that pop-up in my head, the zillion things I have undone and the gazillion things I could possibly be doing that very minute.
Moments like this in the day where I can write give me some comfort. While the words keep me company, my brain is in a constant anxiety mode wondering and dreading if my son will wake up half way pressing the pause button to my peep-show into the non-baby world (And yes, he did). During the times he doesn’t wake up, I find myself stressing over his wake up time, ultimately not being able to finish the task at hand.
Oh the joys of motherhood!
The only solace I get is not from fellow moms or other women around my neighborhood. Not even the acquaintances or groups I associate myself with. The only person that can possibly come close to understanding what I go through is the person that signed up for this journey with me. My partner & soul mate, my husband.
Like all men, he doesn’t understand his wife completely and is taken aback when an unexpected tear shows itself making him wonder what he could have possibly done or said . But I have to give him credit for one of the important things I learned from him – Taking Control. Of life. Of family. Of myself. Knowing that any problem however hard has some solution & digging my abilities to work towards the next step ahead. I know this now better than any other time. Especially after the baby.
How does this help me? I can now watch the ticking clock & instead of just panicking I try to accept the situation (the keyword here is try), hum my favorite tune and dream of the adventurous things I can do one day. Some day.
Not to say that I’ve perfected it. I’m a work in progress.
Tick tock. tick tock, tick tock!